Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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