I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
