Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
