u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
