i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
