I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize