I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
