it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Randomize
