Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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