Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
