I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize