There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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