she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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