just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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