Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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