I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
