Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
