I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
high people should be assigned attendants
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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