I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
