Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
