Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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