I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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