My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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