Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
tequila makes me forget i have legs
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
