It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If I die, sorry about rent.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
