I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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