I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
