The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
this is an emotional support booty call
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
