I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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