I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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