i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I am naked and annoyed.
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