How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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