I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
