At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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