YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
