I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
