I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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