I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i dont even know how to be here
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
