Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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