Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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