Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
