I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
