Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
