I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
