You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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