if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
