All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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