If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
