Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
