There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
