She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize