If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
