I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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