I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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