it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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