I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
