so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
In America we eat man semen.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
