i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
