Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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